Time to relive and rant.

There are times in a person’s life whereby you cannot just sit back and look at another rot. You pretend to be who you want people to think you are yet you are no more than a good for nothing. A cynical view on life cannot be fueled by an ironic lifestyle. Doing something on the weekdays and portraying yourself otherwise on a sunday leaves you being hypocritical. You want to be a cynic and i shall be your critic. Every day more that you live a lie, you only hurt those who love you. Each step you take to complete your rights is simply an excuse to live a life for the moment. Your careless ways will leave no one to really trust you. Your futile efforts will only result in distrust. If you love to care you have to care to love. This is only the most fundamental understanding of love. Do you love to live a lie? Do you lie to live a life? My advice: Don’t waste your life.

Don’t hurt those who truly love you.

You are always beautiful, just the way you are… I wish I am like this song to you. Will you sing it to me?

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness there inside you
Makes you feel so small

But I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
That’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
And don’t be unhappy, can’t remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
That’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Ohhhh
I can’t remember
When I last saw you laugh
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I see your true colours
Shining through
See your true colours
That’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colours, true colours
Are beautiful like a rainbow

I see your True colours shining through
See your true colours
That’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
Your true colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

One more day…

I’ve been thinking about changing this entire blog to be similar to a photo journal, but i’ve not found the time to add that many photos. In any case, wordpress has a stupid limit on the amount of pictures. Nonetheless, I’ll still post for you some of the pictures I took for your viewing pleasure (that’s if I still have readers.)

Well, I hope I get enough rest soon, its my last week of work and I can’t wait to have the time in my hands to be there for baby. Pay back? haha

Supporting you all the way, I don’t even know if she reads my blog LOL.

Oh wells,

Its just another day.

Entering the Eye of the Needle

I wonder how many people have experienced trying to slot a thread through a needle. It’s not easy when your fingers are the size of hotdogs. The Bible relates this hyperbole that Jesus used about how hard it is for a camel to enter the eye of the needle. There are of course a few interpretation, one of which points to an actual gate while the other is a literal metaphor. Whatever the case, Jesus was talking about a rich man entering heaven. The camels who wanted to enter the gate would have to be unloaded fully in order that they may pass through. They would also have to bend down because they were too tall. In the context of the rich young man, Jesus refered to the pride in possessions. This pride is what leads to a fall. When Alexandar the Great passed away, he had made a request beforehand to be buried with his arms open wide and fist unclenched. This act was to signify that he in all his power could not bring any of his glory with him after he died. But do we wait until the deathbed to figure that out? This race we run as Christians, we run before a great cloud of witnesses. We are reminded to throw off everything and run unhindered. I hope that as I grow in faith, I will learn to let go of my self-glorifying antiques. Focusing my eyes upon my creator should be my main point and denying myself  and picking up the cross daily.

I met a traveler from an antique land,
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear
“My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

My prayer is that I would one day, NOT become like the proud ozymandias, blind to all that is around and still reveling in past extinct glory.

Not good enough…

What more can I say?

Goodbye…

Having this blog is so useless cause i don’t really update it anymore than i did my old blog so i can’t be bothered too. I’ve decided to at best shut off from the world so only those really close would know how i’ve been and even than i never really know if its me. maybe i should blog more often eventhough i don’t even have the proper time to sleep. one post a month is depressing.

Death has yet again robbed and left me bitter. I can’t help but cry out in pain and just a few days ago after reading ‘Blessed be your name’ I wondered silently at whether the Lord would test me in such a way. He did.

Why?

Having told so many people in the last week that we as finite people can never understand a finite God came true. I was left with questions in my head. Why would He choose to test me with a trial through another’s life?

Its been painful enough mourning within myself about you.

I miss you.

To think things in the heavenly places could get any more complicated, my life right now is full of ups and downs and mainly with me being my own devil’s advocate. I toss and turn things around in my head and painting the worst of anyone i know. I should cut off my hands. I choose to cease the day in my stride and cut ties with community. I really screwed myself.

Life is full of many things that God chooses to give and at anytime He takes away. Why her? Why now?

David stood up after the child died yet I still lie beside her death stuck in this pain.

I hope I stand up soon…

I’m really sorry to those whom I’ve hurt in my pain. It is not in my right mind to do or say anything right. I’m sorry.

One day it will be my battle with death.

I really miss you… Thanks for being apart of my life…

I’m tired…

i’m really tired. i don’t know how to carry across how i feel. i’m beginning to doubt both myself and you. its something that i hate to feel.

the worry ought not be whether with each decision you hurt me because the damage has already been done. What are you gonna do from now on ought to be your concern… You are still special to me.

I said i would jump in front of a car and give up my life to trade it for yours. Don’t keep testing me like this. I hope i don’t eventually ask how big the car is…

time after time

was kinda wondering for myself why i used that title nonetheless i like the song. i’ve found reason to rant again because i’m injured once again and competition is this coming saturday. i hope i get better. missing baby too cause i couldn’t see her due to the poor planning of a few things nonetheless its a new year but it doesn’t seem any better.

i resolve to trust God more and to love Him and baby more.

i really need financial assistance. i’ve been broke far too long and its starting to cut. i wish there were ways out of this but ya. i really have to learn to be patient and trust Him.

so even with this injury i have to trust that he will make it all well and so that i can win a medal of sorts. i really hope i can do well for Him alone. i just want to make someone proud.

Rants

The blog has been slowly extinct because i just haven’t found enough reason to rant. Knowing how open such information is sometimes scares me. Its not that I fear someone checks up on me or maybe I do. Revealing things online never seems like a safe things to do and my blog has on many occasions shown its different faces leading me to think that I just very well might me psycho.

I intended for all things to be well and I am to blame. I did not keep to the resolution and I caused you so much pain. I understand your confusion, it was the same for me. I just used ‘happiness’ as an excuse to overrule my judgement. I see how hurt you were and how I was not there for you. This is a mistake that will never happen again. Time will come when all will be well and til that time we shall strive on together through every step of the way.

The beating of my heart resounds within my empty being.

The tears from your eyes drip louder than a falling pin.

The runway flashes illuminate my blind spot

I feel distant from my reflection.

I silently wish I could make things right

I dream a dream; an unreal tragedy

Time centres beside infinity

My love, I am truly sorry.

A day with the Lord

Its been some time since I really took time to wait upon the Lord and so we decided to do so today. I looked at His word and really was enlightened, for lack of a better word.

5My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
6He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
7On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
8Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Psalms 62:5-8

I started by looking upon my salvation and remembering that He is in charge of my life and that upon Him i can truly rest and pour my heart out too. The psalmist clearly leaned upon God in times of need and I think that is something I can afford to learn. God is all knowing and He knows how i feel even before I confess or share but my sharing and pouring out of my heart is a response in knowing how great He is. The Lord God is indeed a God whom I can lean on at all times and even commit all that I have unto His name. He promises to be there for me and just knowing He can is sufficient.

9How can a young man keep his way pure?
By keeping it according to Your word.
10With all my heart I have sought You;
Do not let me wander from Your commandments.
11Your word I have treasured in my heart,
That I may not sin against You.
12Blessed are You, O LORD;
Teach me Your statutes.
13With my lips I have told of
All the ordinances of Your mouth.
14I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
15I will meditate on Your precepts
And regard Your ways.
16I shall delight in Your statutes;
I shall not forget Your word.

Psalms 119:9-16

These few verses highlight specifically to young men aka me! It is through that it is hard to keep pure in many areas. Young men are plagued with purity while the bible talks about the older man who are troubled by greed. But the advice here is something that I want to make an effort to do and that is to keep God’s word hidden in my heart. With it hidden does not mean I shun from it but rather that it is so deeply stashed in me it becomes a part of me. And the biggest promise is in knowing that when I do so I will be kept from sin. I think I want to start memorising verses for my sake that I can have His word in my heart. Truly, I sahll delight in who God is and on His word shall my life be founded.

1My son, do not forget my teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments;
2For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.
3Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
4So you will find favor and good repute
In the sight of God and man.
5Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:1-6

I have chosen the first six verses to place up here even though this is a great proverb as a whole. I appreciate how the wise man has so rightly placed God in his life and rightly instructed me to as well. I will really make it a point not to just pick and choose what God’s word has for me. I need to really start writing what I learn on my heart and not merely paper. I have to start trusting Him with all my heart and not just assume. Truly when I learn step by step than my path will be straighter more and more each time. I haven’t entirely been the best child of God but I am working on it and I pray that He guides us.

Baby, 3 nights ago you were really sleepy and I told you about a song which you asked me to sing about 3 times and I think you forgot. Its still not complete but I am stil trying my best. Here are the first 2 stanzas.

I’ve been waiting for a long time,
just to pen this song.
humming the tune and placing the words
as my baby sleeps on

She yawns and than she snuggles
over the telephone
she murmurs those three words
as her eyes begin to close

I will work slowly on it and give it to you soon. Loving you so much. Its 30mins before I hear your voice again. I thank God for you dear.